Loving Your Body, Even When It's Hard

Posted on January 26, 2010 by danineAdmin

Me on Facebook yesterday: I hate my body today. I really do.

Fab feminist friend: Remember your Love Your Body post! This feeling will pass,,,

Oh damn. There’s nothing like having your own words come back you in the ass. It’s one thing to write all those idealistic, pretty words when things are going well on Love Your Body Day. It’s quite another to try walk the ‘body love’ walk when you’re recovering from a nasty fall down the basement stairs with a glass in your hand, I cut my hand up pretty badly and an now the proud owner of 17 stitches, plus I have bumps and bruises all over my body and I have a possible hairline fracture in my wrist. Plus, a nasty stomach bug was making me miserable.

Still, there was and is plenty left to love about my body:

My left shoulder, arm, wrist, hand and fingers, which have allowed me to do most of the tasks my right side does
My vocal cords, which have allowed me to ask for help when I need it and to swallow pain meds, chocolate, Diet Coke and other nutritious things
My eyes, which have allowed me to read, the only activity I’ve felt like doing for any extended period of time

My friend is right: even on the crummiest days, our bodies still do marvelous things.

Have you shown your body some love lately?

(For the record, I have poor balance and coordination as a result of my 2005 spinal cord injury. I wasn’t feeling well and simply lost my balance. No one pushed me. There was no domestic violence.)

Book Review: The Curse of the Good Girl

Posted on November 3, 2009 by danineAdmin

I recently read Rachel Simmons’ The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence, which sheds a revealing light on girls’ emotional and social intelligence. Simmons posits that The Curse of the Good Girl is to be in eternal pursuit of a destructive yet highly desirable social norm that squelches girls’ individuality, self-esteem, ambition and interpersonal skills. I couldn’t agree more.

According to Simmons, Good Girls lack emotional intelligence. They aren’t aware of their feelings and don’t know how to express them appropriately. If they’re angry, sad or depressed, they deny it, even to themselves. They often believe they are not even entitled to their feelings.

Good Girls define themselves by their relationships, Simmons says. Their identity is intertwined in their relationships with their friends, parents, teachers, coaches, etc. When conflict arises in a Good Girl’s relationship, chaos ensues. Most girls simply haven’t learned the tools to handle conflict, including negative feedback, appropriately.

I was, and probably still am in some ways, the classic Good Girl. In seventh grade, my best friend since first grade grew apart from me. I thought she was mad at me and had no idea what I had done. Like many of the girls involved in misunderstandings that Simmons described, I never asked my friend what happened. We barely spoke a word to each other straight through to our high school graduation. I called her the “B” word and hated her, which was tough because we still shared the same circle of friends. It took me years to understand that she had simply grown away from me and our friendship, which was a natural part of adolescence. If we had been able to talk about it, perhaps we could have found some common ground on which to continue our friendship and not a war.

My lack of emotional intelligence carried over into other areas as well. Like many of the Good Girls that Simmons describes, I needed to be the straight-A student that always received glowing reviews from my teachers and other adults in my life. Receiving criticism implied I was a bad person, somehow. I’ll never forget the first time I got really reprimanded at my first job (I was a cashier at a supermarket). As soon as I was dismissed, I rushed to the break room in tears. I still have trouble taking criticism, but I’m getting better at it.

I felt like I was reading my own psychological profile as I read this book. I am amazed that so many other girls have had similar experiences. Simmons does a great job of explaining the problems girls face today and how to solve them.

Buy the book!

Photo Credit: Rachel Simmons. I was no compensated in any way for this review, okay, FTC?

Getting Overwhelmed

Posted on October 26, 2009 by danineAdmin

I can admit it. I’ve been overwhelmed lately. I’m on disability and trying to become self-employed through freelance writing. Because of my disabilities and health problems, I’ve thought long and hard about what kind of work I can do, what I’m physically able to do. (If you’re going to comment on this post, please don’t judge me or make crappy comments. You don’t have to live life in my shoes so you can’t possibly know what it’s like. I do the best I can. On that note, any unsupportive comments like “get a job” will be deleted.)

I decided to pursue a writing career late last winter. I began by practicing writing articles (like this one). I started submitting columns (like this one to Bitch). In the spring, I started building up my website and building up my online presence, including using Twitter. In June, I got a few big breaks. First, Bitch picked up my piece on Meghan McCain.

Also, on June 9th, I sent a letter to my congressional delegation, Rep. Dave Obey, Sen. Russ Feingold and Sen. Herb Kohl, telling them about what I’ve been through and asking them to support the public option. A week later, Sen. Feingold’s office called and asked to tell my story in a speech he was going to give in support of the public option on the Senate floor.

After the speech, which was humbling and awe-inspiring, I used the moment to do some major networking, which led to my semi-regular contributions to the Women’s Rights blog at Change.org. Since then, I have guest-posted on other blogs and networked with other feminists, but I am feeling kind of stuck. I’ve built up something of a portfolio but how do I make a living at this writing thing?

The long and short of it is that I’ve been beating myself up lately. I’ll figure out the money thing. I’ve already got some ideas for what to do next but I freely admit that I’ve been frustrated lately. Why is this writing/self-employed thing so hard? Will I ever be able to make a living at it? Why did this illness/injury happen to me? And there we go, now I’ve overshared.

But here’s the reason for this post: I’ve got to take a deep breath and give myself a break. I took a four-day mini vacay this weekend and basically didn’t let myself think about anything at all. (You would not believe how many games of Bejewled Blitz I played on Facebook yesterday as I listened to the football games in the background.) I’ve got to remember that this will all work out. I will figure this writing career thing out. I just need to be nicer to myself.

Ashley over at the Small Strokes blog has been going through a rough time herself lately and has also decided to give herself a break. In fact, she’s declared today Love Myself Day and encourages everyone to do the same. Here’s her new mantra:

I am going to love myself enough to know and respect my limits, and to not talk myself into feeling worthless when something takes a little longer to get done than I expected. I am going to feel great about all of the good things I am doing, and I am going to make time in my life for the things that are important to me.

I’m going to try to do these things. I may not always succeed but I’ll try. Rome wasn’t built in a day, right?
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Love Your Body Day

Posted on October 23, 2009 by danineAdmin

I’m a little late to this, but Wednesday was Love Your Body Day. Rather than do the usual post about my struggle to accept my body because it’s not a size 2, let me tell you why I love my body:

I love my body because it can type this sentence on the keyboard.

I love my body because it can tell my friends and family I love them using my own voice.

I love my body because it can walk across a room, street, block, and keep going a while before I get really tired.

I love my body because it can bend down and smell the roses in my garden.

I love my body because it can climb stairs.

I love my body because it can sit upright in a chair, recliner and couch. It can also get in and out of those things without assistance.

I love my body because it can swallow food and liquids (including Diet Coke!) without aspirating.

I love my body because it can read magazines, books and computer screens.

I love my body because it can hug people.

I love my body because it can brush my teeth, wash my face and do other fun stuff like that.

I love my body because it can play with this awesome Super-Soaker I got for my birthday this year.

And finally, on a serious note, I love my body because it can breathe on its own and my heart is healthy.

Four and a half years ago, my body couldn’t do any of these things. I laid in an ICU, paralyzed from the neck down. I was on an ventilator and had cardiomyopathy. They were considering a pacemaker. I couldn’t move anything above my neck. I couldn’t speak or swallow. They didn’t know if I would live, let alone walk again. I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky that I am able to experience each new day. I am beyond lucky that I am able to experience these things I listed above every day. The simple act of typing, of moving my fingers because my brain tells them to is nothing short of a miracle. I try very hard not to take that for granted.

That’s why I love my body.
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Danine's Weekly Reader

Posted on October 17, 2009 by danineAdmin

Here are the blogs I loved this last week:

Rainbow Brite, We’ll Always Remember You Before You Got Slutty (The Frisky)
Sometimes Accessibility is More Than Meets the Eye (The Deal with Disability)
Curious Latina (Girls Leadership Institute)
What makes a beautiful girl? A Chloe Pink study in gouache illustration (Chloe Pink)
Meghan McCain’s Twitt-illating Cleavage (Bitch Blogs)

Happy Reading!

Whip It! Rocked (and Rolled) – Contains SPOILERS

Posted on October 3, 2009 by danineAdmin

This afternoon I to see the movie Whip It! with my mom. Everything you’ve heard is true: this is a flat-out awesome, rockin’ the grrl power, must-see film. Without giving too much away, because you really do have to see the movie for yourself, the basic plot is this: Ellen Page plays Bliss, a 17-year-old girl who along with her best friend lives in a small town near Austin, TX. Bliss joins a roller derby team called the Hurl Scouts in Austin (without her parents’ permission of course). From there it proceeds much like any other sports movie: the team trains, plays games and eventually makes it to the championship. What happens next? Go see the movie.

Unlike most sports movies, winning is not the only important theme. Bliss’ teammates (played by Drew Barrymore, Kristen Wiig and singer Eve) mentor her. Bliss gains confidence in herself as she becomes stronger and more athletic. It takes a while but she becomes more assertive in her personal relationships, too.

Whip It! rocks (and rolls) because it has strong, confident, smart and funny women working hard and playing harder. Women can be competitive. Women can be aggressive. (On that note, we can be assertive, too.) We’re not shrinking violets. We’re athletes. We’re women.

Go see this movie. Don’t wait until it comes out on DVD. See it in the theater and show Hollywood that we want to see more films with positive feminist themes. Take your best friend, your mom, your sister, your daughter and go see it.

P.S. I tried really hard not to give too much away!

Photo credit: Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Mattel Launches Cool New Line of 'Black' Barbies

Posted on October 2, 2009 by danineAdmin

Mattel has launched new line of ‘black Barbies’ with an inspirational message for every girl. The line is called So In Style and features Grace, Trichelle and Kara as well as their little sisters Courtney, Janessa and Kianna, respectively. According to a Mattel press release, the dolls have “more authentic-looking facial features such as fuller lips, a wider nose, more distinctive cheek bones and curlier hair.” Unlike previous ‘black Barbies’, these dolls have different skin tones, hair textures and facial features. In other words, they look more like real women.

While doll designer Stacey McBride-Irby says Grace, Trichelle and Kara are all about “fun and fashion”, they are also meant to be role models. They have a wide variety of interests including math, science, music, art and journalism. Their little sisters like dancing, writing stories and playing violin. McBride-Irby says Courtney, Janessa and Kianna were included in the line to show how the big sisters can mentor younger girls.

I’m impressed. This doll is being marketed by promoting a positive self-esteem. Growing up, I never had a Barbie that looked like me or encouraged me to excel in math and science. When I was a kid in the ’80s, playing Barbies was simply playing dress-up. Our favorite costumes were the ball gowns, the ones that looked like they came off the rack at the Miss America evening gown competition. Playing Barbies was simply make believe. It had nothing to do with real life. This is probably why Barbie’s freakishly skewed body portions never really affected my self-image. (Hollywood took care of that.) She wasn’t real.

These Barbies aren’t real either but they are a lot more relatable than the dolls I had to play with. I hope girls (and boys) of all racial and ethnic backgrounds do relate to this new line of Barbies. I hope they learn that math, science, music and art are cool. I hope they learn to help their friends and pass their knowledge and wisdom along to other women because we all need to learn how to network more.

Most of all, I hope they have fun. Some of my best childhood memories are those I spent playing Barbies with my sister.

Great retrospective of black Barbies throughout the years:

Learn more about the So In Style dolls at Mattel

Like this post? Digg it or leave a comment, please! Thanks.

Is the Ms. Wheelchair Pageant Supposed To Be Empowering?

Posted on September 1, 2009 by danineAdmin

Last week, Ms. Wheelchair 2010 was crowned. I can’t tell you how much I hate this. Supposedly, this is not a beauty pageant, but “a competition based on advocacy, achievement, communication and presentation to select the most accomplished and articulate spokeswoman for persons with disabilities.” According to the Ms. Wheelchair America, Inc. website. Ahem.

That sounds really noble, doesn’t it? But when you strip it down, it’s still a competition of who is the best woman, who gets to wear the pretty sashes and tiara. You can pretty it up with platitudes about providing “an opportunity for women of achievement who happen to be wheelchair users to successfully educate and advocate for the more than 52 million Americans living with disabilities” but at the end of the day, it still reminds me of JonBenet Ramsey in a wheelchair.

I know this is supposed to be empowering, but it just makes me cringe. I used a wheelchair for the better part of six months. I was supposed to be a quadriplegic for life and without a few miracles, I probably still would be. I still have power wheelchair sitting in my den. The battery is dead, but it’s there, in case I ever need it again, a possibility that can’t be ruled out. I feel guilty speaking for those who use wheelchairs because I can walk now. However, I do have some internal organs that are still paralyzed and my nervous system will never fully recover from the paralysis.

On Saturday, it will be four and a half years since the incident that caused the paralysis, but it feels like hours, days or weeks ago, not years. I still wake up every day and expect to not be able to move my arms or legs. I feel like I don’t have a right to criticize this competition but I know that if I were still using a wheelchair today, I would have the same reaction to this pageant.

On the other hand, I don’t want to criticize the women who have taken part in the pageant. Autumn Grant, who was Ms. Wheelchair America 2007, told disaboom.com:

“I realized that just because the contest had the words ‘Ms.’ and ‘pageant’ before and after it, it wasn’t a beauty pageant,” says Autumn. “I saw it as a great opportunity to get my ideas and voice out there for myself and others with disabilities.”

This year’s winner, Erika Bogan, became paralyzed from the knees down seven years ago in a domestic violence-related car accident. In an interview with News 14 Carolina, she said,

“This wheelchair is such a blessing to me, and being in the accident I was in was a blessing,” she explained. “I wouldn’t be where I am and I definitely wouldn’t be who I am if it wouldn’t have ever happened… My story was basically my platform for nationals, and [that story is:] anything’s possible.”

It takes an enormous amount of courage to simply to tell one’s story and I applaud Ms. Bogan for that. I am also the first person to applaud her for being an advocate for other women with disabilities and victims of domestic violence. I love that.

I don’t want to tear these women down. They’ve been through so much in their lives. If our positions were reversed (I was in the pageant reading this blog post), I would feel so hurt and angry. But I hate the pageant concept. There’s just got to be a better way for women living with paralysis and other related disabilities to advocate for and empower each other.

Remember When 'You Play Like A Girl' Used To Be An Insult?

Posted on August 28, 2009 by danineAdmin

play-like-a-girl I went Facebook yesterday and while I was looking at my newsfeed, I noticed that my 12-year-old niece had added this “Piece of Flair”. I can’t tell you how much I love this.

Our society worships at the altar of the 90210 stick-girls and calls Jannifer Love Hewitt “plus-size” and “curvy” for wearing a size four. At the same time, the First Lady is crucified for having pride in her athletic arms and legs. (OMG, did you see that she actually wore shorts on vacation on Martha’s Vineyard? Like, how totally unheard of.)

On the other hand, maybe Michelle Obama’s positive body image is having a ripple effect. Let’s face it: The parallels to Jackie Kennedy are not unfounded. She is educated, classy, beautiful and glamorous. Jackie O’s signature item was her sunglasses. Michelle O’s are her healthy, toned upper arms. Admit it: you’re jealous as hell. I am. I think Michelle Obama’s lasting legacy will be to be healthier and have a positive body image. I think she’s having an effect already.

My niece is trying out for the volleyball team at her school. I have no doubt that she’ll make the team, but even if she doesn’t, I love that she is taking pride in her body’s strenth and power. Strength is beautiful. Health is beautiful. It’s not just about a number on a scale or a dress size.

Pleasantly Plump or Pathetically Unhealthy?

Posted on August 27, 2009 by danineAdmin

I was back at the clinic this morning for another experiment in that Evil Demon known as Socialized Medicine. (Cue the Carmina Burana soundtrack.) I was in the dressing room about to change into the ultra-flattery hospital gown for an ultra-fun test when I looked in the mirror and saw this:

Me looking "pleasantly plump" - and liking it! 8/27/2009

I thought, “Wow, I look really cute. I like how I look in this shirt and these jeans. I like my curves. I look, dare I say it… pleasantly plump?”

I was feeling pretty good about myself when I walked out to the small waiting area. Well, that is until I noticed the story on the morning talk show (I think it was the Today Show). The perky, skinny host and guest were talking about how important it is to reduce inches around our middle sections to reduce our risk for heart disease and other fun afflictions.

What the hell, universe? I couldn’t have even one moment of feeling good about myself without being reminded I’m an unhealthy pig?

I guess the larger question is, what is the balance between striving for better health and still maintaining a good self-esteem? How does the media educate the public on prevention and wellness and not make us hate ourselves at the same time?

I don’t have any answers. In fact, after my appointment, I decided to give the cosmos a ginormous “Screw You!” and headed to McDonalds for an Egg McMuffin meal. With a Diet Coke, of course.

The local Mickey D's - 8/27/2009

Danine N. Spencer

Tag Archives: self-esteem