I recently read Rachel Simmons’ The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence, which sheds a revealing light on girls’ emotional and social intelligence. Simmons posits that The Curse of the Good Girl is to be in eternal pursuit of a destructive yet highly desirable social norm that squelches girls’ individuality, self-esteem, ambition and interpersonal skills. I couldn’t agree more.
According to Simmons, Good Girls lack emotional intelligence. They aren’t aware of their feelings and don’t know how to express them appropriately. If they’re angry, sad or depressed, they deny it, even to themselves. They often believe they are not even entitled to their feelings.
Good Girls define themselves by their relationships, Simmons says. Their identity is intertwined in their relationships with their friends, parents, teachers, coaches, etc. When conflict arises in a Good Girl’s relationship, chaos ensues. Most girls simply haven’t learned the tools to handle conflict, including negative feedback, appropriately.
I was, and probably still am in some ways, the classic Good Girl. In seventh grade, my best friend since first grade grew apart from me. I thought she was mad at me and had no idea what I had done. Like many of the girls involved in misunderstandings that Simmons described, I never asked my friend what happened. We barely spoke a word to each other straight through to our high school graduation. I called her the “B” word and hated her, which was tough because we still shared the same circle of friends. It took me years to understand that she had simply grown away from me and our friendship, which was a natural part of adolescence. If we had been able to talk about it, perhaps we could have found some common ground on which to continue our friendship and not a war.
My lack of emotional intelligence carried over into other areas as well. Like many of the Good Girls that Simmons describes, I needed to be the straight-A student that always received glowing reviews from my teachers and other adults in my life. Receiving criticism implied I was a bad person, somehow. I’ll never forget the first time I got really reprimanded at my first job (I was a cashier at a supermarket). As soon as I was dismissed, I rushed to the break room in tears. I still have trouble taking criticism, but I’m getting better at it.
I felt like I was reading my own psychological profile as I read this book. I am amazed that so many other girls have had similar experiences. Simmons does a great job of explaining the problems girls face today and how to solve them.
Photo Credit: Rachel Simmons. I was no compensated in any way for this review, okay, FTC?
