Editor’s Note: This is the first in what I hope will be a long series of interviews with women living with disabilities and/or chronic medical conditions.
Name: Anna
Bio: I’m a full-time MA history student. For reasons that will, I think, become apparent throughout this interview, it’s not wise for me to go into more details about my personal life.
1. What is your disability or chronic medical condition? How does it affect you both generally and on a daily basis?
I have a mental health condition. I don’t feel comfortable telling people the exact diagnosis because I’ve seen it far too often used as an excuse to start bashing women who are diagnosed. So I will just say I have a form of PTSD, and that women ‘like me’ have a “high rate” of successful suicides and tend towards dangerous self-harming behaviour.
My mental health condition is very cyclical in nature. At the moment I’m in the middle of a very bad point in the cycle. I don’t sleep much, I don’t eat much, I’m constantly convinced that people are out to get me, I have panic attacks, I can’t answer the phone, I’m afraid to check my work-related email, etc.
At other times, everything is fine. (It’s hard for me to write about what ‘fine’ looks like, though.)
The difficult aspect is that part of my condition includes what’s called “emotional amnesia”. When I’m down, I can’t remember how long I’ve been down – I feel I’ve been this way for months or even years. When I’m up, I think I’m always happy. It makes it difficult to treat things realistically in terms of what I’m capable of.
2. Do you consider yourself “disabled”? Do other people see you as “disabled”?
I have a really difficult time adopting the term “disabled” and applying it to myself. THOSE people, over there, they have REAL disabilities, that should be respected. Me? I’m just lazy/bad/selfish/whatever. (Which is how women with my diagnoses are often referred to, as well.) Saying “I am disabled; I have a mental health condition” is a big deal to me.
3. Do people treat you differently or unfairly because of your disability/condition? How so? Can you give an example(s)?
Since I typically chose not to self-identify, I don’t get treated differently. But, I am aware of the stigmas around mental health, and read the reactions to people in my field identifying as having a disability. It really depends on where you are in your career. And I’m not in a place where saying “I’m crazy, I take crazy meds, and sometimes I’m sobbing uncontrollably for hours because someone was mean to me” is going to help me get a job. Google is not my friend.
4. If you could tell the world one thing about what it’s like to live with your disability/condition, what would it be?
I am not my condition. I am Anna; I have a condition. I am not everyone you’ve ever interacted with who has been diagnosed. I am not your textbook case. Telling me how women who have been institutionalized due to my condition behave doesn’t tell me anything except that you’re making assumptions about me – we’re not interchangeable cookies.
5. What do you like about living with your disability/condition?
It’s hard to say – I can look back at my life and see the seeds of where I am now as far back as being 10 years old. I don’t know what it’s like to not have this mental health condition.
I like that I care about people – I’m told that the degree of my caring is a symptom.
6. Is there anything else you’d like to share?
People tend to get angry or dismissive of my concerns about self-disclosing. Because I won’t link to specific examples of people attacking women like me (for obvious reason!) they don’t believe that it could be that bad. Believe me: it is. Announcing to the world what’s “wrong” with me could scuttle my entire career. It’s happened before. We are not in a world where stigmas about mental health are non-existent.
People I have talked to about this have suggested that I be brave and self-identify, to combat the stigma. Those people have jobs. I’m struggling to make a career for myself in a very narrow field. “Anna” is a pseudonym that I use on the internet (and is also a part of my given name) and in social situations.
Maybe, if I had a career behind me, I would be willing to ‘come out’ explicitly, but I’m not there yet.
Image courtesy of Danine’s garden
I'm Danine Spencer and I am (in no particular order) a writer, blogger, feminist, disability rights advocate, political nerd, techie, dog-lover and Diet Coke addict. Please click on the
Anna, I think it’s courageous of you to write about the challenges of your mental health condition. While I can’t fully understand all that you are going through — nobody can ‘cuz they’re your feelings. And you can’t fully understand mine either– I can identify with some of your feelings. For instance, I’ve always been more sensitive than others. And I’ve had a panic attacks or two sitting in a long meeting or driving over a bridge. While I’m no psychiatrist, I do believe that by embracing “who” you are and what makes you different is great therapy. Not to mention, you’ll be helping others with similar concerns who are not quite as brave to share their thoughts. If you can channel your energies creatively–through art or writing–that would be wonderful. Maybe you already do.
Anna,
This was incredibly bold of you to write, and the strength you show with the amount of introspection and self awareness is something rare and beautiful. You’re obviously living your life through more obstacles than most of us, so thanks for the inspiration in time for the new year! Best!
Anna, THANK YOU for speaking up and writing this. More people need to hear this.
I cannot blame you for being hesitant to speak up, though. I completely agree with you that there very much is a stigma against mental health issues — it’s sad, but it’s true. We need to change this, but that change is not going to come about by those who are not victims of the stigma telling those who are to stick their necks out. We ALL need to speak up about it, but those of us who will not suffer the consequences of ignorant bigotry can afford to speak louder than those of you who can, do, and (sadly) will. We need to listen to you to know what we should say and how to say it, but we cannot sit idly sipping tea and tell you to do all the work. We need to stand with you and speak with you.
I’m not sure if the above paragraph makes much sense. I hope it does. Thank you again for sharing your story with us. The Internet does provide the opportunity to speak in some anonymity, but it’s not absolute anonymity, so it is scary. I hope we hear more from you, though. Wherever you are, I’m sending you hugs and good vibes, and I hope this “bad” cycle is over soon.
Anna:
Way to go in sharing your story, Danine I like this feature, hope you have more!
gwen
There definitely will be, Gwen!